


And thus we half-men struggle

by phalangine



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 03:19:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11523447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phalangine/pseuds/phalangine
Summary: Jim has a guardian angel. This is news to him.





	And thus we half-men struggle

**Author's Note:**

> i owe kinneys an arm and a leg for beta-ing this
> 
> the title is from browning's "andrea del sarto"

James Kirk dies when he's seven years old.

He does so again at seventeen.

And again at twenty-one.

And again at twenty-three.

Those are just the times he fully manages to die. There are countless close calls, many of which even Jim himself is unaware of.

Leonard is not so lucky. He remembers every single time his charge has come close to death, every time Leonard has had to put himself squarely between Jim and the afterlife. Never has he had such a difficult charge. There's no consideration for things beyond Jim's immediate choices. He crosses bridges when he comes to them, which would be a good trait in someone not constantly running headlong towards certain death.

Being a guardian angel is all about prevention. Drive the obnoxious little human away from danger before it can manifest. Divert a train. Make a storm. Hide some laundry. Whatever it takes.

It's a thankless, endless job, and Leonard has had enough of keeping his latest charge safe from a distance. It's about time he intervened for good.

 

_**xx** _

 

Jim wakes up in a dumpster. This isn't the first time it's happened.

The angry guy standing with his hands on his hips about three feet away, though, that's new. It's too bad he's seeing Jim at his most hungover- the guy is a looker.

"Can I help you?" Jim asks hopefully as he struggles upright among the trash.

The guy narrows his eyes. "Good question. The answer's yes. You could help me by drinking less and eating some vegetables. Oh, and not sleeping around so much. That would be great."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I am tired of picking up after your messes, James Tiberius Kirk. It is time you grew up."

Jim frowns and struggles forward. "I don't know who you think you are-"

"Oh, right." The guy squares his shoulders. "My name is Leonard. And I'm your guardian angel."

"My what now?" Jim asks. He can't tell if this is a joke or if this guy is sick or what, but it's sending waves of  _ not good _ down his back.

Leonard sighs and stretches an arm above his head. A second later, a bolt of lightning strikes his fingertips and stays there, crackling and lighting up the dark alley.

But that isn't what catches Jim's eye. No, he's captivated by the sight of three pairs of golden wings stretching out behind Leonard. They're lined up his back, each pair progressively bigger as they go up.

Leonard watches Jim gape at him for a long moment before he flicks his hand, dismissing both the lightning and his wings.

"Like I said: guardian angel." He folds his arms across his chest. "You and I need to have a chat, Jim. Now."

 

_**xx** _

 

"Now" turns out to be five minutes later in a diner.

"So," Jim says around a bite of burger as he watches Leonard eat his milkshake, "angels do eat."

"It isn't necessary, but we can when on the earthen plane."

"So why are you doing it?"

"Because it would look strange if I didn't." Leonard sighs. "You humans have a frustrating amount of rituals, you know that? I much preferred your ancestors. They were a much more straightforward bunch."

"What kind of guardian angel doesn't like guardian angel-ing?"

"The kind who's spent the last twenty-three years guarding you."

Jim swallows. "Twenty-three years? As in, my whole life?"

"I suppose it's closer to twenty-four, considering I've been assigned to you since your conception," Leonard says thoughtfully. "So yes, in answer to your question. I have protected you since your birth."

A swell of anger rises in Jim's gut. "And you didn't think maybe I'd be better off with a dad than without?"

Leonard's expression softens. "It was not my place to interfere with George Kirk's death."

"So you let him die."

"In order to ensure that you did not, yes."

"Thanks for that," Jim snaps. "Great prioritizing."

Leonard refuses to be drawn into a fight. Instead, he cocks his head and studies Jim. "I made the right choice," he says eventually.

"That's debatable."

"Indeed," Leonard hisses, leaning forward and taking hold of Jim's arm. He looks Jim dead on, eyes hard. "I debated my assignment more times than I wanna remember. Yet here I am."

The air in the diner is suddenly crackling, danger making every hair on the back of Jim's neck stand on end.

As quickly as it came, the feeling subsides, and Leonard leans back, releasing Jim's arm. "I'm here to protect you, Jim. You were making it difficult for me as an angel, so I thought taking a corporeal form might work better. Humans tend to prefer things with bones."

"So you're, what, possessing some guy?"

Leonard frowns. "Of course not. Angels are capable of taking human form."

"I thought you guys were supposed to be scary things with animal heads?"

"That was to make a point."

"Huh. And you're not a baby," Jim observes.

"I'm not."

"No harp either."

"None."

"But you are Southern. Why are you Southern?"

"Is there a reason I shouldn't be?"

Jim considers that. "I guess not."

"Great. Now that that's been sorted, perhaps we can get to the real issue."

"Which is?"

Leonard levels him with a heavy stare. "Keeping you alive."

 

_**xx** _

 

Bones, as Jim has taken to calling Leonard, doesn't just take a corporeal form. He also signs up for Starfleet, gets accepted, and becomes Jim's roommate.

"Why medical?" Jim asks him as he unpacks. Bones, for obvious reasons, has nothing to unpack. "You could have taken command track."

"I have no desire to be put in charge of any more humans," Bones tells him dryly. "Your ways of healing each other is the least uninteresting subject."

_**xx** _

 

Jim tries not to get into trouble. He really does.

Despite his best efforts, trouble finds him.

It isn't his fault that he gets in so many scrapes. How was he supposed to know that guy at the party had a phaser on him? Or that that Kzinti lady was going to tackle him out a window? Or that his engineering studies partner would be concocting something lethal in his spare time?

Bones clenches his jaw and tells him to be more careful, even as he drags Jim's ass from the burning building.

 

_**xx** _

 

It takes an embarrassing amount of time for Jim to ask, "So why do I get a guardian angel?"

"Because you're special," Bones informs him, frowning down at his PADD. "You're going to do great things, and it's important that you not die in the process- or the lead up," he adds sourly.

Thrown, Jim blinks at him for a long time, but Bones doesn't laugh or take it back.

Eventually, Bones looks up at him and sighs. "You asked me why I didn't protect your father. I told you it wasn't my job. What I didn't mention was that your father had his own guardian."

"He did?"

Bones nods. "Your father shared your penchant for finding trouble, though he didn't go looking for it."

"But lots of people get in trouble," Jim insists. "Why would you care about my dad?"

"The Kelvin," Bones says simply. "Your father was going to save a lot of lives; he had to be preserved until he could do so."

"'Preserved'?" Jim echoes. "Wait. If he had a guardian angel, how come they didn't save him?"

"I don't know."

Jim frowns. "Bones..."

"I don't. I'm not omnipotent." He says it softly, as if he, too, wishes that weren't the case.

 

_**xx** _

 

They've been drinking for a couple hours, but only Jim is drunk.

"Hey, Bones?" he slurs.

"What?"

"Do aliens have guardian angels?" He pauses, thinking hard. "Is God real?"

Bones pats him on the head. "Don't ask questions you don't want answered."

 

_**xx** _

 

They're at a bar, and Bones is getting hit on. A lot. At first, Jim thought it was funny. Bones is still learning how to act human, and sometimes he says wild stuff when he's cornered.

For example-

The younger freshman who walked past him after class and said, "Hot damn, man!"

Bones just frowned and asked, "What other type of damnation is there?"

What Jim didn't count on is how fast Bones learns. Despite the fact that he's remained a grump, it took him less than a month to become one of the Academy's most desirable. He uses that Southern drawl and deliberate good manners strategically, knocking some people out of his orbit while drawing others closer. It's almost frightening, how good he is at it.

"Jim, I'm older than the universe," he said once. "Manipulating humans is hardly more difficult than putting a soul back into a body."

Jim has never had to do that, but he guesses that soul wrangling would be difficult.

With Bones' mint julep in one hand and a beer in the other, he elbows his way past the gawkers. Bones takes his drink gratefully, and Jim knows that all this politeness is annoying him.

It takes a few minutes for him to get the latest person to leave, but he manages it eventually.

"You want to tell them to go away, don't you?" Jim asks lowly, smiling to himself when Bones grunts an affirmative. "You know, you're not what I thought an angel would be."

Bones snorts. "Thanks."

Jim nudges his shoulder, and Bones rolls his eyes. They're both smiling, though. It's a good night.

 

_**xx** _

 

It was bound to come up eventually. Maybe when they're dodging some unfriendly ships isn't the best time, but then, their lives are in danger. Maybe that will spark a confession.

"Hey, Bones?"

"What?"

"How come you look like you do?"

Bones doesn't glance away from his station, but Jim can feel his exasperation.

"Now really isn't the time for that."

"Why don't you just transport us back to the Enterprise?"

"And how would we explain that, hm?"

Jim falters. "Would we have to?"

"Yeah, Jim. We would."

A new volley of laser blasts comes at them, but hardly notices.

"Why can't we tell them you're an angel?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because they'd ask questions. Or they might try to separate us. Or you might be forced to return to earth." His jaw works as he grinds his teeth. "You technically aren't supposed to know I exist. Telling other humans could endanger them."

"Why? It's not like angels would hurt people."

Bones doesn't answer.

"Right, Bones?" Jim prompts. "Angels wouldn't hurt us."

"Not intentionally, no," Bones grits. "But we weren't designed to be wet nurses. Sometimes, things go awry."

That doesn't sound good.

"Define 'awry'."

"Brains blown out ears," Bones says grimly. "Eyes obliterated. Faces caved in. Limbs maimed or destroyed. Organs transmuted into things that aren't... compatible with humans."

A shiver runs down Jim's spine. "You guys have done all that?"

"We were designed for battle, not healing."

"You don't seem to be having much trouble patching people up."

"I haven't been using my angelic powers."

The closest ship chasing them manages to land a hit, rattling them both hard enough that they have to cling to the console to keep from falling, and Jim lets the subject drop in favor of escaping.

 

_**xx** _

 

"So explain to me why you look like you do?"

Bones, who's in the middle of stuffing his face after their close call- he's a stress eater, apparently, which weirds Jim out when he remembers that Bones doesn't even like eating- frowns. "Different angels do things differently," he says after a beat. "I chose to model myself after a human I once guarded. Doing things freehand tends to result in unfortunate appearances."

Jim knows he shouldn't do it, but he hears himself ask, "What kind of unfortunate appearances?"

Bones has a think about that. "I once saw an angel with an extra arm instead of a mouth."

"How did they talk?"

"They didn't," Bones says, as if it were obvious. "The angel had to reform the body."

"Okay, so I get why you'd pick a specific person, but why'd you pick this one?"

Bones shrugs. "I don't know. I don't remember him well anymore. He lived, and he died when it was time."

The words make something cold and heavy settle in Jim's gut. He doesn't know why, but something about the way Bones dismissed that man whose shape he's wearing makes Jim feel cold.

 

_**xx** _

 

Jim has just finished a call to his mother when something occurs to him. Spinning in his chair, he gives Bones a long look before he asks, "Do angels have families?"

Bones doesn't look up from his book. "All angels are my brethren."

"So you've got brothers and sisters?"

"Angels have neither sex not gender," Bones says absently. "And we were formed, not born, so terms like 'brother' and 'sister' carry false connotations."

"So you're alone?"

"I am. As are all angels."

The thought of Bones being on his own makes something shift unpleasantly in Jim's belly. "And you're okay with that? Not having a family?"

"Angels aren't social like humans," Bones points out, finally looking up from his book. "We have no need for company." He pauses, expression turning down. "But I did have a family once."

Jim sits up at that. "Really?"

Bones nods. "I married a human woman."

"You're allowed to do that?"

"No."

Jim swallows hard but bites his tongue.

Bones doesn't speak for a long time.

"Her name was Jocelyn," he says eventually. "She was... difficult, but I loved her. Before she died, she gave me a child."

"You've got a kid?"

"I had one, yes."

"What happened?"

"She was an abomination." Bones looks away from Jim, his eyes unfocusing. "It wasn't her fault. Any children of man and angel would be. The nephilim had the power of angels and the recklessness of humans. They were too big for their own good- they nearly destroyed the earth."

Jim swallows hard. "And you..."

"I was brought back to heaven, as were all the angels who had children with humans." Bones turns to face Jim again. "I was not forced to kill my own child, Jim. That duty fell to another."

"Bones..."

"It was a long time ago."

Jim bites his cheek, thinking. "You know, if you ever want to talk about it, I'd listen."

Bones considers that. "Perhaps I will."

It's the politest "no" Jim has ever gotten.

 

_**xx** _

 

The big advantage of Bones walking around like a human is Jim can keep an eye on him. Especially on the Enterprise. Why Jim would need to do that is a mystery, but he likes knowing he can find Bones if he needs him.

 

_**xx** _

 

Another big advantage: Bones can't do creepy stuff anymore.

"I don't see why you're so upset," Bones complains. "It's my job to watch over you."

"Not when I'm sleeping!" Jim counters. "That's just weird, man." He narrows his eyes. "Wait. Does that mean you were watching when I brought people back?"

Bones gives him a flat look but doesn't deny it.

Jim feels his cheeks heat. "Bones?"

"I didn't watch," Bones says, rolling his eyes. "The human ego is incredible."

Relieved, Jim intends to drop the subject, only for a new thought to blossom. "Wait. Do you guys..." Bones tilts his head, brow furrowing, and Jim feels himself flush again. "You know..."

He gestures vaguely with his hands, but Bones must understand, because a moment later, his expression clears.

"Jim, you do realize I got my wife pregnant."

"Well, yeah, but... That doesn't- I don't know why I asked," he finishes lamely. "It's just weird, you know? Aren't you supposed to be holy?"

"And sex is always a dirty, bad thing, is it?" Bones sighs. "I'm too tired for this. I'll see you later."

Jim watches him leave with a sinking feeling.

 

_**xx** _

 

Bones is quiet for the next couple days. He opts to stay out in the Med Bay rather than join Jim and the others on the bridge like he usually does. His absence itches at Jim, makes him snappy and impatient, and he doesn't know why.

He runs through their conversation time after time, but he just can't figure out what set Bones off.

 

_**xx** _

 

Eventually, Bones does reappear. He materializes in Jim's quarters without any warning after a long and boring shift.

"You gonna tell me what's up?" Jim asks, hands on his hips.

Bones scowls at him. "I may have been... reactionary."

"You think?"

The scowl doesn't let up. "Need I remind you that I'm older than you are? I've been on earth since earth came into being, and I've guarded humans from the moment you were cast from the garden."

"Forgive me if I don't see the relevance."

"I remember every moment of it," Bones snaps. "Every word, every feeling- I remember it all. Not all memories are good ones, Jim."

It occurs to Jim that he doesn't really know anything about Bones. He knows the guy doesn't drink coffee or need sleep. He knows Bones isn't scared of spiders- just the opposite, Bones loves everything that moves and then some. But he doesn't know what makes Bones who he is.

"I don't suppose you'd tell me which memory made you so twitchy about sex?"

Bones blows out a breath. "It isn't one memory, Jim. You're aren't the first man I've watched over, nor are you the first not to be straight." He scratches at his jaw, a nervous tick he picked up sometime at the Academy. "I wish guardian angels could grant our charges long, happy lives, but we can't. All we can do is keep you alive until even that fails."

It sounds like Bones is getting the raw end of the deal to Jim. "And you're okay with that?"

"It's all I know," Bones admits. "This isn't a career. I can't change it at will."

"Yeah, but-"

"Jim." Bones takes a step closer and lays his hand on Jim's shoulder. "I'm fine."

Then he disappears.

"Fuck me," Jim mutters.

 

_**xx** _

 

The thing about Bones is, he picked a really good looking guy to emulate. Broad shoulders, solid thighs, wide hands, mobile mouth... He's exactly Jim's type.

He wants to run his hands through Bones' hair, wants to hear that syrupy accent get clipped.

He can deal with it, though. It's just a crush. It's not as if Bones ever has to know.

 

_**xx** _

 

The worst part about dying is definitely the resurrection.

Jim lies in bed, breathing hard and aching. Bones sits in the chair beside him, idly tapping away at his PADD. He's already explained that the transfusion was a ruse- Jim's body was far too irradiated even for Khan's blood to fix, but Bones needed a cover for Jim's miraculous recovery.

"I shoved your soul back in your skin," he told Jim sourly the first time Jim asked why he hurt so much. "That in itself would hurt. But there is also the fact that I didn't have time to purify your flesh of all the radiation. You'll have to recover normally."

The way he said it suggested Jim shouldn't try to pry further, and Jim had respected that.

At first.

"I just don't see why you couldn't, you know, zap me clean," he whines for the third day in a row.

Three days, it turns out, is Bones' breaking point.

"I didn't heal you because I couldn't be certain I wouldn't kill you," he hisses. "Did you forget everything I told you about angels and healing? We weren't meant to patch up humans. We were meant to fight."

"Fight who?" Jim asks.

Bones immediately looks away. "It doesn't matter," he tells the wall. "What matters is I can save your life, but I can't put you back together."

"All the king's horses and all the king's men, huh?"

"I've got no idea what that means."

Jim sighs. Of course he doesn't.

 

_**xx** _

 

Jim's crush doesn't go away. If anything, it deepens. He takes to jerking off in the shower every morning and in bed after his shift ends just so he can focus.

He gives in and lets himself think about Bones when he does after the first week.

But it's fine. Jim can handle it.

 

_**xx** _

 

Bones finds a baby alien.

Jim isn't clear on the details; all he knows is that Bones, Spock, and Sulu beamed down to an alien planet suffering from some sort of plague while Jim and Uhura worked on hammering out a treaty, and when the away team returned, they did so with a baby.

Bones, to Jim's surprise, adores the little bag of screams. He cites on it without embarrassment, cooing and bouncing the baby on his hip whenever it get fussy. And the baby, by some miracle, responds to him in kind.

The two of them wander around the ship, Bones humming to the baby, unaware of the way every person in the ship is watching them.

Jim isn't envious of the attention the baby gets from Bones. He isn't.

 

_**xx** _

 

The baby's parents come get it during the celebration of their successful treaty.

Jim tries not to feel too happy.

Bones finds him drinking in a quiet corner and sits down on the floor beside him. "I like babies," he says without preamble. "They don't prevaricate. They don't hide out of shame or guilt. They simply experience."

Jim bites the inside of his cheek.

"I like grown humans more, though," Bones adds, not looking at Jim. "You're endlessly complex." His lips quirk into a smile. "I'm glad I was chosen to become a guardian."

"Really? I thought you hated it."

Bones shakes his head and turns to face Jim. "Being your guardian is frustrating, but I do like it."

He leans into Jim, nudging their shoulders together. Jim leans against him, comfortable and warm, and they spend the rest of the party like that.

 

_**xx** _

 

When he gets back to his room, Jim yanks down his pants, desperate to get off while he can still feel the phantom weight of Bones pressed against him.

 

_**xx** _

 

It occurs to Jim that maybe what he feels for Bones goes beyond a simple crush.

Bones has become a fixture in Jim's life. He's the one Jim turns to when he's in trouble. It's Bones who sits with Jim for hours after a fight, not speaking or trying to cheer him up, just bumping their shoulders together and drinking. It's Bones who lies on Jim's bed, humming that tune Jim can't identify except as the song Bones hums when he's watching Jim, as Jim fills out paperwork. And it's Bones who drags Jim to bed when he's been awake for forty eight hours, running on nothing but caffeine and willpower.

But Bones is Bones. He's a literal angel, as far from Jim's grasp as possible.

_**xx** _

 

_ Jim is doing his usual nightly routine- getting off- when the doors to his quarters open and Bones steps inside. He doesn't explain his presence or turn away as Jim yelps and tries to cover himself; instead, he walks right to the bed and crawls onto it, stalking gracefully up the bed on his hands and knees until he's looming over Jim. _

_ "Did you think I didn't know?" he asks, voice low. "I'm your guardian, Jim. I know everything about you." _

_ Jim swallows hard. "I don't know what you're talking about-" _

_ "You do." Bones tugs the sheets aside and takes Jim's cock in hand. "You want me." There's no doubt in his voice, no embarrassment in his bright eyes. _

_ It's almost hypnotic, the way his eyes half close as he strokes Jim slowly. _

_ "I do," Jim admits. "I do want you." _

_ Bones smiles and lifts his free hand, putting his fingers under Jim's chin and tilting it up. He leans in for a kiss, and Jim can't help but moan into it. _

_ They part to breathe, but only briefly. _

_ "You're mine," Bones tells him quietly. _

_ Jim nods, anything to get another kiss, and Bones gives him what he wants. _

_ When he pulls back this time, Bones releases Jim to tug his shirt over his head. He strips off his pants without fanfare. Jim can't help but notice that Bones is hard, too, his cock thick and flushed pink. Then he's back, stretching out over Jim. _

_ He leans down, eyes half-lidded, and- _

"Jim!"

It's Bones shouting, his voice muffled by the door. "Jim, we've got a situation!"

Groaning, Jim grabs his clothes and readies himself for a long night.

 

_**xx** _

Bones, because Jim can't catch a break, picks up on the fact that Jim isn't happy.

"You're avoiding me," he accuses one night. He followed Jim into his room, planted himself at the foot of the bed, and now he isn't moving. His arms are folded across his chest, his chin lifted high: reliable signs that Bones is ready for a fight.

Jim isn't in the mood, though.

He drops down on the bed and stretches out, his feet dangling by Bones' knees.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Bones huffs. "Well, I do."

Rolling into his back, Jim sighs. "It's a human thing. You wouldn't understand."

"I've spent a lot of time around your kind," Bones says thoughtfully. "Perhaps I know more than you realize."

Jim's heart stutters in his chest. But no. There's no way Bones knows. He'd have said something.

Wouldn't he?

"I just need some space," Jim hedges.

"I can accommodate that- to a point."

"What point?"

Bones lifts a hand, scratches at his jaw. "I'm always aware of you, Jim. You're my charge. I couldn't shut you out of if I wanted."

"That's really creepy."

"No kidding." Bones pats Jim's ankle. "We have no concept of personal space in paradise." He cocks his head. "But then, we don't have disgusting functions like humans."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Sometimes Jim wishes Bones hadn't mastered modern English as well as he has. The guy is always one sassy comment from getting punched, and how knows what kind of a mess an angel would make in a bar fight.

The thought makes Jim rolls his eyes. Bones would probably just catch the punches then play some horrendous version of "why are you hitting yourself?" until everyone figured out they ought to leave him alone.

Snorting, Jim kicks Bones lightly. "What would I do without you?"

"Die horribly," Bones says without hesitation.

"Damn, Bones. You really have no faith in me."

Bones doesn't take the bait, his voice sobering rather than growing playful. "I have faith in you. Even if I didn't know you m were destined to do great things, I would still believe in you."

"Well, you've seen what I can do."

"I've seen what you can overcome- you and your crew." His mouth quirks into a crooked smile. "They would all die for you, down to the last yeoman. Don't be so quick throw that love away."

"I'm not throwing it away," Jim objects.

"Every time you die because you took a stupid risk, you are. They would die for you because they know you'd die for them- why not live for them?"

Jim swallows. "I'll see what I can do."

 

_**xx** _

 

To Bones' obvious annoyance, Jim dies twice on their next mission. He isn't even aware of dying in the moment, but Bones makes sure to tell him later.

"You know the saying 'stop and smell the roses'?" he asks. "Don't. In fact, don't smell anything. Plug your nose."

"Come on, Bones. It can't have been that bad."

"Your throat melted," Bones says flatly, and Jim pauses.

"It did?"

"No, I just said that because I thought it sounded funny," Bones snaps. "Yes, it did, Jim! Do you have any idea how hard it is to rebuild a throat?"

"Can't say I do."

Bones folds his arms. "Well, it ain't easy."

He seems genuinely upset, so Jim relents. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"Good. You should be."

Jim sighs. "Wanna go bother Sulu?"

"Why'd I want to do that?"

"I'm pretty sure he's growing weed again."

Bones hesitates.

"C'mon, Bones. It's practically medicinal!"

"Medicinal, my ass," Bones grumbles. "I'm only coming because I want to make sure you don't just eat a bunch of trash."

"I've never eaten trash in my life."

"Jim... we both know damn well that that ain't true."

 

_**xx** _

 

In the end, Jim does eat garbage.

Bones gives him a look that says he's seriously considering making a coat out of Jim's skin, but that's all right. Bones is all bark and no bite.

Or so Jim thinks, before he gets to the mess and finds out that everyone is eating bran flakes for breakfast- as an "act of solidarity" with their captain, one brought about by one Leonard McCoy, CMO.

 

_**xx** _

Everything has been fine for the Enterprise. They haven't been attacked or exposed to something toxic or dragged into an interstellar war. The few planets they've found have been completely barren of intelligent life.

The quiet is getting to Jim. He never wants to endanger his crew, but he hasn't had a good chase in nearly the equivalent of three months.

All he's had to do is fill out paperwork and think.

Bones usually says that's a dangerous thing, because when Jim thinks, he gets ideas, and those ideas lead to things like antagonizing Klingons.

Not that they're anywhere near Klingon space at the moment.

Nor is Bones telling Jim to stop and enjoy the quiet. He isn't telling Jim anything, as a matter of fact.

Bones pulled away nearly two months ago. It was a quiet withdrawal. He just stopped coming over, made plausible excuse after plausible excuse, and Jim was so busy having his freak out that he didn't notice.

He notices now. He can practically feel Bones' absence. It's in the silences where he would speak, the faces Jim doesn't see him pull. There are phantom complaints he can hear in Bones' voice but none that matches the fervor of his friend's spoken frustrations.

Sighing, Jim tugs on his boots and resolves to go find Bones and sort out whatever is bothering him.

 

_**xx** _

 

Finding Bones is easy. He's in Med Bay, doing inventory with M'benga. He has his back to the door, but there's a tension in his shoulders that tells Jim his presence hasn't gone unnoticed.

He knocks on the wall, and M'benga pauses. He glances at Jim, then at Bones, then back to Jim.

"I'm going to go check on something," he says, voice pitched to carry. "It may take me some time."

He doesn't wait for a response, just pats Bones' shoulder and walks away.

Bones turns around slowly. His arms are folded across his chest, his gaze flat.

"Can I help you, Captain?" he asks. There's no friendliness in his voice, nor anger. It's empty, as far removed from Bones as possible.

"You've been avoiding me," Jim says, folding his own arms. "I want to know why."

"I'm a busy man-"

"Bullshit."

Bones' jaw works. "Medical has duties beyond patching up wounds, Jim."

"Duties that suddenly require you? I thought M'benga and Christine could handle the inventory."

"Jim..."

Jim takes a step closer. Bones' chin jerks higher, but he holds his ground. "Jim," he warns.

"Tell me why you're hiding."

"Why'd you hide?" Bones counters.

"I had to work some stuff out," Jim says smoothly. "Some human stuff."

"Well, this is angelic business."

"You want try that again? Maybe this time you can say it like you mean it."

"Leave it alone, Jim."

"No." Jim takes another step closer. "You know I can't. You're my friend, Bones. Tell me what's wrong."

Bones shakes his head. "I can't." His voice is rough, his expression earnest. "Walk away, Jim."

Jim doesn't. He takes another step closer instead, this one bringing the two of them into each other' space. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No."

"Then what's wrong, Bones?"

"You."

Jim's heart stops. "Me? What did I do?"

Bones' gaze falls to the floor. "Nothing. You didn't do anything."

"I don't understand."

When Bones looks back up, his lips are tugging into a sad smile. "Do you know, my wife was the first human I fell in love with?" Jim shakes his head, and Bones gives him a wry smile. "I had hoped she would be the last."

Jim swallows hard. "But she wasn't?"

"She was not." Bones takes in a long, shuddering breath. "She hated me long before the end of her life. I didn't only make a monster of our child- I made one of her."

"Bones..."

"I don't want you to hate me, Jim."

"I couldn't."

"You don't know that." Bones shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Jim, but I can't. I can't go through that again."

Jim wants to argue. He wants to shout at Bones, to plead his his case. He wants to be given a chance.

But Bones looks tired, the kind of tired that would put their long nights at the Academy to shame, tired like he hasn't slept in weeks, and Jim just can't raise his voice at him.

"Come back when you can, all right?" he asks, his voice soft. "I miss you."

Bones nods, and with nothing left to stay for, Jim leaves.

 

_**xx** _

 

It takes another month for Bones to come back. When he does, he looks uncertain of his welcome. Jim, who has spent the last half hour engaged in a grueling chess match with Spock, waves him in gratefully.

"Bones! Good timing. You're just in time to see me beat Spock."

Spock's lips quirk as if he finds that especially funny.

Bones nods and quickly takes his customary seat to watch them.

Two minutes later, he gets up, and Jim hears the familiar sounds of Bones pouring himself a drink.

Jim smiles to himself, remembering the first time he got Bones drunk. They were in Jim's dorm room, and they spent the evening doing Jell-O shots. By the time Jim brought Bones back to his dorm, his friend was smashed but decidedly happy. He greeted everyone they passed with a smile and an attempt at a wave.

The hangover had been hilarious- for Jim.

Eventually Bones found love for mint juleps, and ever since, he's learned just to nurse one until he decides to go to bed.

Things aren't quite back to normal, but they're good. Bones and Spock are eyeing each other like they're getting ready to start a spat, and Jim... Well, Jim is just happy he's got both of his friends back.

 

_**xx** _

 

Bones settles back into his precious habits quickly after the chess match. He visits the bridge again, offering dry quips and his unique kind of fatalism.

Jim relaxes. If he can't have what he really wants- what he and Bones really want- this will be enough.

If he says it often enough, he might actually start to believe it.

 

_**xx** _

 

Jim wakes up in the middle of the night and finds Bones is sitting at the foot of his bed.

"Bones? What're you doin'?"

"You were havin' another nightmare," Bones explains. "I was about to wake you up."

"That's not what it looked like."

Bones ducks his head. "I... We should talk."

"What about?"

"Us."

That gets Jim's attention. He sits up quickly, shaking his head to clear the muzziness from it. "I'm listening."

It takes Bones some time to start, but Jim doesn't rush him. He knows the subject is a difficult one for Bones.

"I'm no good at self-denial," Bones says slowly. "Never was. You'd think, being holy, that I'd have a better grip on myself. But I don't." One of his hands slides over to cover Jim's ankle. "I'm sorry."

Leaning forward, Jim lays a hand over Bones'. "Why are you sorry?"

"I meant to do better by you."

Jim shakes his head. "I'm glad you want me. I want you, too. What's better than that?"

Bones shakes his head. "I want to kiss you."

"So hurry up and kiss me."

Bones doesn't hurry up, but Jim does get his kiss- after Bones has straddled Jim's hips and bumped their noses together. It's a soft kiss, sweet and gentle and easy for Jim to melt into. He slides one hand into Bones' hair, the other pressing flat against Bones' chest.

When they part, Bones stays close, his breath mixing with Jim's.

"Can I sleep here tonight?"

"You better."

Bones nods quickly, and the two of them rearrange themselves on their sides flat on the bed. Jim reels Bones in for another gentle kiss.

Bones sighs when they break apart and touches the tips of his fingers to Jim's lips. "Don't let me go."

"I wouldn't know how even if I wanted to."

Bones is obviously less than reassured, but he nods and lies back. "You should get some sleep."

"You'll still be here when I wake up?"

"I'll still be here."

Jim ought to press for more than that, but he really is tired. He settles for threading the fingers of one hand through Bones' and holding onto Bones' shirt with the other. It's nothing Bones couldn't escape if he wanted, but Jim's gut says it's enough.

 

_**xx** _

 

When Jim wakes up, Bones is still beside him. His eyes are closed and his breathing even, which could almost fool Jim, but he knows angels don't sleep.

"Hey," he croaks, voice rough from sleep.

Bones' eyes flutter open. "Mornin'." He gives Jim a soft smile, but his eyes are on Jim's lips.

A tremor of fear that Bones might have changed his mind falls still, and Jim leans in, confident Bones will meet him halfway.

And does he ever.

The kiss starts out slow, just a hello, but that's before Bones slides a hand down Jim's side. His hand comes to rest on Jim's ass, his fingers digging in as he tugs Jim close. Jim moans into the kiss, and Bones runs his tongue over Jim's.

They're pressed together from thigh to chest; it's easy for Jim to shift his hips and rub up against Bones.

Bones groans, the kiss breaking, and Jim pushes against him again.

"You keep doin' that, and this ain't gonna last long," Bones murmurs, accent thick like molasses. "From the way you've been starin' at me, I got the idea you wanted more than this."

Jim does want them to do more than rub off in his bed- no matter how attractive the idea seems now. "Better hurry up and get what we need," he says against Bones' lips. He gets a quick kiss, but Bones doesn't linger. He gets up quickly and starts hunting around for supplies.

Jim watches him, quietly humming to himself in approval as he takes in Bones' body. Bones is solid, his chest wide and firm, his hips and thighs thick. Jim's attention keeps drifting to the tent in the front of Bones' uniform pants.

"Hey, Bones?"

Bones grunts as he pulls out a drawer.

"Take your pants off."

Head popping up, Bones frowns at him for a moment before he shrugs and strips his pants off. It leaves him in his fitted Starfleet issue gray briefs and his uniform top, which ought to look ridiculous. Instead, Jim feels his face heat. He can see the generous curve of Bones' ass clearly now. He wants to feel it like nothing else; his fingers itch to follow it to the divots in his back.

"Got 'em!" Bones proclaims. He returns to Jim with lube and a wide smile. He sets the lube on the bed and swings a leg over Jim's thighs.

Jim fits his hands to Bones' waist. "You sure picked a handsome human to emulate."

"Jim, I'm about to suck your dick. Don't remind me that I'm trapped in this form."

"What, you don't like being human?"

"You stub your toes," Bones points out. "No other animal is that stupid."

Jim snorts, and Bones kisses him, and everything is good. It's really good. Especially when he shifts back and tugs Jim's pants down.

"No underwear?"

"Maximum breathability," Jim points out.

Bones rolls his eyes. He tosses Jim's pants over his shoulder without a care before he bends low and takes Jim into his mouth.

Jim can't help but groan. He hasn't had a partner in what feels like years, certainly none that felt any interest in this, and it's all he can do not to shove his hips at Bones' face.

If Bones is aware of Jim's struggle, he doesn't acknowledge it, merely bobs his head and hums to himself. Jim watches his dick slide in and out of Bones' full lips and thinks of standing on the bridge on aching feet, getting shot at, anything to make this last. Bones doesn't seem to care; he cups Jim's balls in one soft hand, rolling them and brushing his thumb over them, as he pulls back to suck just at the head of Jim's dick.

It's too much too fast, but Bones doesn't let Jim pull away. He follows when Jim pulls his hips back and takes Jim in all the way as Jim comes down his throat.

Jim falls back against the bed, panting for breath. Bones sits up and watches him with an expression Jim can only describe as soft.

Jim reaches up and runs a hand over the dark, wiry hair on Bones' belly. He ignores the hard line of Bones' cock, focused instead on the feeling of being close.

Bones catches his hand in one of his and brings it up, softly kisses the inside of Jim's wrist.

Jim's face heats again. Tender hasn’t really been his area.

Bones moves things along after that. He gets off Jim's legs, flips him onto his belly, then pops the top on the lube. Jim feels the familiar press of a finger at his hole, then the scratch of Bones' stubble against his spine as Bones brushes a kiss to Jim's back. He moves a little, then presses another. And another. And another.

Jim is arching into the kisses when Bones finally adds another finger. Bones lets him do it, his free hand resting lightly on the back of one of Jim's thighs, thumb rubbing in lazy half-circles.

Eventually a third finger joins the first two, and this is when Bones makes a decided effort to hit Jim's prostate. His fingers slip in and out, stretching Jim open before they hit his prostate and make him squirm.

"Fuck, Bones," Jim pants. "Fuck, fuck, fuck-"

"Feeling good?" Bones asks, right before he drives his fingers in deep.

Jim moans in reply, his own fingers clutching at the bed. He never wants this to stop, but he needs to feel Bones in him. It's hard to breathe, he needs it so much.

And Bones seems to sense that.

He pulls his fingers out slowly, and with a final kiss to the small of Jim's back, he backs up.

"Flip over for me?"

Jim does- slowly, because his body is clumsy and he really doesn't want to risk falling off the bed.

Finally, he settles on his back and looks down at Bones. His throat goes dry when he catches sight of Bones working his hand up and down his cock, his clothes gone and his expression desperate.

"You coming?" Jim rasps, spreading his legs.

Bones nods quickly and settles between Jim's knees.

The first push in takes Jim's breath away. Bones presses kiss after kiss to his face, murmuring things Jim can't understand against his temple. It's soothing, whatever he's saying, and Jim relaxes enough for him to move.

Bones sets an easy pace; he seems almost more interested in kissing Jim than fucking. He lays one hand on Jim's hip, gently holding him in place. The other brushes Jim's hair from his face.

"You're perfect," Bones breathes.

Jim swallows the instinctive denial and wraps his arms around Bones' waist instead. "You can't leave after this," he says.

"You're not gettin' rid of me," Bones replies. "Not in a million years."

Jim nods, tightening his hold on Bones.

He lets himself float on the feeling of getting fucked and being held until he comes a second time. His body goes weak as electricity shoots through him and he can't help but groan as Bones fucks him through it, his fingernails digging into Bones' back.

Bones pulls out when Jim is still coming down, drawing another groan from Jim's throat.

Jim closes his eyes and slides his hands up Bones' sides until he's holding Bones' face. He can hear the slick sounds of Bones jerking off, the only sounds other than Bones' stuttering breaths, and he can't help but smile to himself as he tugs Bones' head down for a kiss.

Bones kisses him sweetly until he comes. Then he drops his head to Jim's chin and shakes and shudders his way through his orgasm.

"You okay?" Jim asks.

Bones laughs weakly as he drops down on top of Jim. "Am I okay?" He chuckles. "Yeah, Jim. I'm okay. Better than."

Jim lets himself bask in that for a while. "You know, I'd half-thought you wouldn't care about sex since you're an angel."

"You half-thought wrong."

"Guess so."

Jim had also been sure Bones would want to clean up the moment they finished, but it seems he was wrong about that, considering the way Bones is happily lying in the mess on Jim's belly.

Maybe, Jim thinks as he cards his fingers through Bones' damp hair, tender is his thing after all.

 

_**xx** _

 

_ One year later _

“You’re an idiot,” Bones grouches as he reaches for the dermal regenerator. “You’re a goddamned, fool-headed, stupid son of a bitch. You know that?”

Jim winces. He knows he earned Bones’ ire, though, and as much as he wants to argue, he knows he’s lost this fight. “Sorry, Bones.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, I know I’m stupid,” Jim says with a sigh- a bad idea, going by how fast Bones’ eyebrow shoots up. “Sorry, Bones.”

“I’ll show you sorry. Just you wait and see.” It’s all a bluff, same as it always is. Bones just has to blow off some steam. “I don’t want you going out on your own anymore.”

“You were with me!” Jim protests.

“And look what good that did.”

“I could be dead.”

“You still could be,” Bones mutters darkly.

Jim ignores him, concentrating instead on the rhythmic throbbing in his forehead. He knows that accepting the locals’ invitation to take part in their miniature version of gladiatorial games was a bad idea- he knew it was a bad idea even as he said yes. The problem is, Jim wanted to get back to the ship as quickly as he could, and that made him reckless.

Now that they’re back, though, Jim’s nervous. He can practically feel the dent in his leg from the velvet box where it’s been in his pocket for the past three weeks. He’s going to work up the nerve and ask. He is.

He’s just waiting for the right moment.

“-kill you myself,” Bones is growling, and Jim, for reasons he can’t begin to fathom, interrupts him.

“Hey, Bones?”

Bones’ eye twitches. “What?”

Throat suddenly dry, Jim coughs, hoping to clear the creeping fear from it. It doesn’t work. “We’ve been together for a while now, haven’t we?”

“Get to the point, would you? You’re still bleeding on my table.”

Jim coughs a second time and reaches into his pocket. He fumbles with the box briefly as he struggles to open it with fingers that feel twice their normal size and half as clever. Holding the box out, he says, “Bones- Leonard, will you be my angel?”

Bones, who had been staring at Jim with wide eyes, takes one look at the ring- a wing made of a cheap synthetic in a garish shade of pink, curled into a circle- and lets out a growl. “I’m gonna kill you,” he snarls as Jim hops to his feet and dashes away, howling with laughter.

 

_**xx** _

 

Two days later, the ring materializes on Bones’ finger. It stays there long after he’s been given a proper replacement.


End file.
